Fundraising - My Hail Mary

Because I don't know what other options I have right now, and yesterday's post just meant I have to try harder somehow not to fall apart. I have to rely on others and swallow my pride.

I've been blogging sporadically almost 10 years, and I haven't really become part of the bigger blogging community. I suppose I'm praying for a miracle now.

Just share it even if you can't help. Thank you.

Falling Through the Cracks

I'm a single, disabled mom who is falling through the cracks. I don't do drugs, smoke or drink, but we'll get an eviction notice served on us Friday, and Saturday they'll probably come to repossess my car. I've been disabled 1.5 years and this is where I'm at financially - almost homeless and definitely bankrupt. My disability redetermination was denied and has to go to a judge for processing. It could take a year to see a judge. It's already been over a year since I filed. I'm working as hard as I'm able, yet it's not enough to get out from under the overdraft fees and late payments that keep snowballing.

When I was in the ICU and physical rehab, my emergency savings paid for everything that came due. Not amusing to pay for an apartment I didn't live in for almost six months and insurance on a car I couldn't drive for longer than that. I'm not a huge part of the blogging community, even though I'm loosely connected to a few well-known bloggers. Local friends talked about helping me with a fundraiser for a while, but then I never heard anything else about it. Maybe people thought I was fine or just forgot about me since I was out of sight, out of mind. I think I know what really happened, but I won't point fingers since I've since unfriended this toxic person. To be honest, I thought I'd be fine. Hell, I almost died! I was happy just to be alive and breathing! 

Once I was finally diagnosed with Polymyositis and Interstitial Lung Disease, and got out of the hospital for good,  I was still enrolled in school and took out student loans to survive while my Social Security Disability was processing. I couldn't keep up with the classes and now I'm ineligible. I also couldn't transcribe or write at the same pace I used to. I've barely kept up for the last six months. I'm failing at it completely now. 

After the financial aid ran out, and my tax return was gone, I took out a payday loan to survive for another month or two. Then there's the title loan against my car so we didn't lose our apartment in WI and end up homeless in the snow. Why would I take those out KNOWING how terrible they are and how high the interest rates are? Because by then my credit was wrecked from unpaid medical bills and credit card bills. The little money I was making trying to work was keeping the lights and heat on. There were times I couldn't get 10 minutes across town because I didn't have gas to get there. 

I have family that's trying to help, but I don't come from a family with a lot of money. I often worry how my asking for help will impact them financially. I also don't want to be a burden on my family and ask for help every month...it's humiliating and my pride often keeps me silent. Even though I start earning a paycheck in June, instead of freelancing, there's just no way I can ask anyone for what I need and expect them to come up with it. I was hoping I'd get help from community services instead.

I've called all the community services and they don't have anything to offer or are tapped out until June/July. Our food stamps and insurance coverage barely got approved in time. I had a $40 check in my pocket, $-60 (yes negative) in the bank, the last of our food was gone and had less than 1/8 of gas to get to the food banks. I hope no one EVER has to make these decisions. 

In hindsight, I shouldn't have believed the promises of financial support from someone who has a habit of changing his mind and isn't always reliable, but who has come through enough times to assume he will this time. By the time my ex-husband changed his mind about helping me move for health reasons, I had no choice but to move and used my tax return to make it happen. I didn't know he'd disappear completely after I got to AZ. So I just left most of our stuff behind and hoped for the best as I drove across the country. We had almost nothing when we got here. I thought I'd be able to do enough freelance work until my customer service job started in April -- then my start date got pushed back to June. Now my pain comes from stress instead of the weather.

I worry that my child will be removed because someone (my ex) feels I can't take care of him. I worry that we'll end up in a shelter somewhere here, at best transitional housing. I think about how I already had to let me son go live with my ex-in-laws when I was sick, and how I don't think I can do that again without losing myself. I remember his tears and hysteria to "please just drive us home now" and not being able to whisk him away with me right then. 

Social Security thinks I'm not disabled enough, and my backup plan didn't start when expected. This is how easy it is to fall through the cracks.

PS - I put a PayPal button above, or my fundraiser site if you are moved to help. If not, just share my story.

I Almost Died but Didn't

About 2 weeks after my last post in October, just before Halloween, I went into the ER with pneumonia. A few days in the hospital on antibiotics led to respiratory failure, my being intubated on a ventilator, and put into a medically induced coma for about a week. This is the first time I've wanted to write about any of this. Maybe because after almost six months of being in and out of the hospital, I finally have a final diagnosis and I feel almost normal - outside of the physical damage that was done.

I officially have Polymyositis with Interstitial Lung Disease. It's a rare connective tissue (muscle) autoimmune disease with breathing issues. No definitive cause is known, but it means I'm on meds my whole life and I'm officially disabled. I can't lift my arms up over my head, and I can't lift my legs at the hip more than an inch or two right now. I'm in physical and occupational therapy to fix this and I hope to be back to normal in the months to come. I just have to stay on my steroids and anti-transplant rejection drugs forever to keep from a relapse. After experiencing what happens without these drugs, I'll gladly take those two and all the others given to me. I couldn't move without massive pain and my hands wouldn't open or close. Yay drugs, boo side effects.

It started with pneumonia. I couldn't catch my breath so I went to the ER. They admitted me, but I didn't get better so I went to the ICU. Just hours after I got to the ICU, the last thing I remember is saying I couldn't breathe and my chest hurt. Then it goes blank until I woke up a week later. My family says they gave me about a 50% of living while I was out. The hospital basically threw everything they had at me to keep me alive. I had crazy dreams from the drugs, and my son is what I remember most from the dreams. I had a tube down my throat and couldn't talk. I wrote on an eraser board the best I could, and a rolled my eyes a lot when I got annoyed, frustrated or angry. I did that a lot. Not being able to talk sucked. I did make a joke to my stepbro with hand motions (that didn't make sense to anyone but me) when I first came out of the coma. At least I kept my sense of humor, right?

Being in the ICU & having lost the ability to do anything on my own was humbling. Remembering the first time I had to stand up from the bed with a nurse's help is what keeps me going now when I get discouraged. Thank goodness for Xanax because that was the scariest moment of my life, after having been mostly immobile in a bed for weeks. Actually, the bill from that time is pretty scary too. My legs didn't work, my arms only moved at the elbow, and I needed help with everything. I'm trying to forget the tubes being removed and the other help the nurses provided. I could never work in healthcare, ever.

I went to the rehab unit for physical and occupational therapy, but the coughing from the pneumonia made everything so hard. Breathing is usually required when you exercise and I was struggling. I finally was able to walk up stairs and do a lot of my basic care and went home just before Christmas, even though I wasn't 100%. I was supposed to finish my rehab as an outpatient. I felt good and ready to go, but no such luck.

A week after getting home, the first week of January, my mom was here helping me and my right arm swelled up. Back to he ER! I had a blood clot in my right jugular. I was put on blood thinners and had to have my blood tested every week. I also would start to wean off the steriods/prednisone and get sick. I was in the hospital every month, if not every other week almost. I finally had to switch to a larger hospital because they'd had more exposure to my first diagnosis of ARDS - Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome after pneumonia. I've had so many CT's and Xrays of my chest that I glow in the dark. I have about 8-9 DVDs of images from thouse and the ultrasounds to EKGs that it's just ridiculous.

Once I changed hospitals, I got better diagnosis of what was going on, but everyone kept looking at my lungs as the issue. Finally, this last episode of muscle weakness caused such distress that I couldn't even walk. A muscle biopsy was done along with many other tests, and I joke they went all Dr. House on me, but they found out I have an autoimmune disease. Finally! I was just happy to know what was going wrong with my body and how I can manage it in the future. Once I got into therapy, I rocked it and made super progress. Only two weeks in rehab and going from barely walking to being able to take care of myself at home. The doctors are super impressed and I'm really motivated to get better.

Yeah, it sucks I'm now permanently disabled, but it could be so much worse. My meds will help me get better and therapy too. The worst part of all of this? My son having to go live with my ex-husband until the end of the school year. I miss him more than anything, but I know his being with his dad is the only way for me to get well enough to bring him home. I see him this weekend and I can't wait. There so much more I have to say, but it's time to eat and take more meds. Here's to getting better!

Strep Throat

Well, sure enough I got myself sick by burning my candle from both ends and from the middle!  The strep came on so gradually, and I'd never had it before, so it got its claws in my throat nice and deep before I got it treated.

It's been a week since I ate solid food.  From last Sunday to Saturday, all I had was liquids and not even filling ones.  Everything burned so bad when I tried to swallow, even pudding and jello!  I had 1% milk, tea, hot cocoa, and coffee to keep going.  Work didn't stop coming in while I was sick.  My son didn't stop needing me when I wanted to cry from the pain.  He's sick as a dog too, but of course not with the highly contagious strep but with a hacking cough. *sighs*

Sadly, I thought I'd lose weight from the all-liquid diet all week, but it's not looking good.  Normally I weigh right when I get up before a shower (naked) and was at 127 the Sunday it started.  On Wednesday, I weighed mid-day, fully clothed and was at 134.  How is that even possible?!  HOW?!  I'm doing a real weigh-in when I get up.  I'm totally blaming PMS and 'water' weight. Hmph!

I'm also working my butt off this month to be able to add that gym membership to my budget in January.  Ohhhh, since it's just the membership sign-up fee that's really pushing it out of reach, maybe requesting it as a present from someone in my family!  Ha, I'm brainstorming like the Imagination Movers my son watches.  Must follow up on that idea later.

I'm headed back to sleep feeling more positive at least.  Now if only my household could shake these colds we keep getting.  The resting  part of sick I'm all for, except my son didn't get that memo.  Crazy kid.

NaBloPoMo NoMo

Done.  Just done writing every day about my failure to eat right and exercise.  I'm so beyond stressed out right now with the holidays coming and money super tight.  I just need a break for a minute and this is one less guilt trip for me to worry about.  Seriously, I put a cookie in my mouth and thought about how that's going to make for more crappy blog fodder tonight.  So I don't know if I feel like writing tomorrow I will, and if not well whatever.  I'm tired and worn down from being a single mom with a strong-willed child who will not go to bed and just wears me down until I'm just so done.  I'm not going up or down either way so maybe when I can afford that stupid gym membership or get motivated to move around in front of my television to videos, then maybe I'll feel better about writing about the progress I'm making.  As of now, this is not helping me feel better at all.  That's not what I need right now.

Sick

Oh the fun of sinus congestion and feeling bad all over.  I've had more chicken soup, tea, and orange juice than should be humanly allowed.  The poptart I ate was dry and scratchy and tasted like dirt - sugary dirt.  Yuck.  Milk was a really bad choice this morning and just made me a way more congested, and I knew better so that's worse.  I suppose this is a good thing?  The taste of my normal foods are just off and I don't want to eat anything since it tastes weird.  It may even just be allergies but I doubt it.  I can guarantee I won't be trying to do any aerobic activities while I can't breathe through two nostrils at the same time.  I just feel so yuck right now.

I'm just waiting for my son to get this too.  He just got over a cold and it's never fun when he's congested.  That truly stresses me out and trying to get him to eat stresses me out even more.  The only easy part of that is that I can finally keep up with him because he doesn't want to do anything.  I know he's better when he's back to his Tigger-like bouncy self.  That's usually when I end up eating what he leaves on his plate because it's basically not touched.  I don't eat mine and then his, I usually just eat his plate because I know he won't.

I really need to figure this all out.  This might just be the most boring non-weight loss blog ever.  There's no weight loss or exercise to be seen around here.  Just me thinking about it and wishing it would happen. You know, I'm in a terrible mood today and sick of myself.  On that note...g'nite.

Not Ready but I Want

I don't know what's going on with me lately.  It's like I just don't care, or I have an excuse for putting everything off.  Maybe it's the shorter days or something, but I am not motivated.  Not with my clients, not with my home, not anything.  It's like depression, but I still feel happy just not motivated to do anything I should.  I find distractions like TV or the Internet or Xbox (loving Halo).  I don't know.  I do have a lot on my mind with money and the holidays coming up.  I have a feeling that's a big part of it, but it's still an excuse.  I bet exercise would reduct my stress...everything I read says it does. Ha!

I just want to look nice for the holidays.  I want to hear people ask me if I've been losing weight.  I want to be able to keep up with my kid when he runs ahead after school.  I want to wear cute clothes this summer.  I want to not feel HOT all the time!!!  I hate sweating.  Hate it.  You would think that alone would motivate me to lose.  Nope.  I want to feel good and not feel jiggly.

So I'm not sure where my happy groove of desire to work out went.  Or where my motivation went, period.  I just hope it's a blip on the radar right now.  I'm just grabbing sleep and food randomly when I have time right now.  So this isn't even going to be a very good weight loss blog at all until I snap the hell out of this funk.

Pizza & Soup

The election results are making me worried about what is going to happen in the future.  My son did not want to go to bed and was seriously stressing me out tonight.  I have tons of work sitting there waiting to be completed.  I"m going to be pulling another all-nighter to get it done.  I'm feeling stressed and I ate like crap.  I had two instant coffee drinks for breakfast, 2 frozen chicken nuggets, then a poptart for lunch at 3pm, random spice candies, too much California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizza that my son ate all the meat off first, another instant coffee to keep me up for work, and just now I ate a Campbells Chunky Italian wedding soup...and a bite-size Butterfinger.  I'm sure there will be more random candy to try to stay awake and it'll just make me sluggish and tired.  The nap I wanted to take earlier to help me stay up didn't happen.  The gym isn't going to happen for at least a couple weeks.  I'm just feeling a lot stressed out about my finances and my child right now.  I can tell in how I'm not even thinking about what I'm eating when I grab it.  Oh, and I did have about 20 grapes but also some puffed cheese things (not Cheetos ew).

I guess all I can do is have a better day tomorrow and not just give up.  Focus!  I need focus and commitment.

Back on the Wagon

Ok, I'm back and recommitted.  I'm joining a gym nearby and getting myself together.  I gained almost everything back I lost and I'm pissed.  I'm tired, I'm grumpy, and most of all my body just feels achy all over.  My job isn't exactly conducive to exercise, but now that the boy-child is in school 1/2 day, I have no reason not to work out.  I find that I do not work out at all when I come home.  My intention was to work out at home while he was in school.  I always have an excuse not to.  The gym is on the way and is priced reasonably.  It's not a place where people were hitting on each other, wasn't crowded at ALL, and all shapes and sizes were working out when I visited.

Weight tonight: 232.

Also, I will be updating all month as I joined NaBloPoMo and I'm looking for motivation anywhere I can get it as we go into the dark, winter months.

Back up the scale...

I'm having some really, really stressful weeks going on here.  Emotionally just a wreck and choosing not to fight it.  I'm eating to soothe my feelings.  Add some PMS on top of that and I'm a super salty-sweet scavenger here.  Pretty sure the bag of oreos and of tortilla chips sums that one up.

I'm up 7 pounds.  I'm pissed.  Pissed at myself for the junk I've eaten.

My son starts school in a couple weeks.  Five days a week, three hours a day.  Perfect for working out...alone!  Every. Single. Day. Alone!  I have a plan.  I will wear my workout clothes to drop him off.  I will go work out or walk or something during that time! 

I want to start dating....

I don't want to date as a 'big girl'.  I want to be happy inside first.  I WILL do this.

Hormonal

I want to eat all the chocolate in the house and then eat everything salty I can find after that and wash it all down with chocolate milk!!!

My ex, my work, and my body are all conspiring against me the past few days to pull me in a spiral of eating and then feeling bad about it.  I'm beyond stressed and I can't sleep at all.  Insomnia for weeks.  So fun.  I gained 2 pounds and I don't even know if I want to try to blame it on bloating.  Sounds like a cop out to eat more chocolate at this point.

So I did eat a few mini chocolate bars and then a few tortilla chips.  I don't know why I don't have chocolate pretzels in my house in case of emergency! 

I'm just annoyed and tired and stressed out.  At some point, maybe I'll figure out that exercise will help even things out.  Bet I lose more than 2 pounds here and there too.  Meh, whatever.

Back on Track & in the 220's

So I took a loooong break from even trying to get fit or lose weight.  I suppose it was bad timing to try to start with the new year, as I was immediately put under a lot of stress with school and trying to find a new place to live.  Sometimes I just know when to claim defeat and start again when the timing is better.  I know myself well enough that if I had tried to put that on my already fully plate then I would've beat myself up every day for failing.  Instead, I put it on a temporary hold.  I just made sure I didn't gain but hovered at about 235 or so. 

So here I am, done with school for the summer, moved into my new place, and feeling really good about life.  I have space in my new home to exercise and my stress levels are at an all time low.  I don't find myself in the cupboards looking for solace or stress relief in my snacks anymore.  I am also more active now that some of the financial pressure on me has been lifted. 

So the time to start again is now! I've already begun to lose without having added regular exercise.  I just hit 229 (technically 228.6)!  Woo hoo!! Haven't seen that number in... 2 years. *happy dance*  The best thing about this journey is that even if you 'fail' for a while, you can keep starting over and over until you reach your goal.  Heck, I failed at quitting smoking over and over for many years but I finally did it over four years ago.  So I know I can do this!!

I'm going to see if starting the Couch to 5K program will be possible, but not sure if it's feasible without a treadmill and no sitter for the preschooler here at home.  A gym is too pricey right now & when the boy starts school in September I'll have 3 hours to work out every day.  I guess for now there's always cable On Demand exercise shows or my Jillian 30-Day Shred DVD I put somewhere...

I feel good, and I feel motivated!