Wordless Weekend Goal

Wordless Weekend

My Hope

My hope this month is that by writing about my struggles to even get motivated to get fit will lead to some changes.  I really feel silly writing that I didn't work out or didn't eat wonderfully again today.  I wonder if I can write that everyday and still call this a weight loss blog?  I've never gained this much weight before so this is all new territory.  I've always been able to starve it off on Mt. Dew and Goldfish crackers.  Having my son and having my gall bladder out really put a wrench in that unhealthy weight loss program I had going on.  Now, with the lack of a gall bladder, if I don't want to have some serious intestinal issues, I have to eat something.  If I wait until lunch I'm screwed.  

So this weekend I'm going to see family, my son is going to burn off more calories than he takes in, and I'm going to take in more than I burn off.  Somehow I'm going to get some walking in there somewhere.  It's getting cold and I really, really wish I could afford the gym right now.  Since I'm self-employed, I hope and pray my contracts pay me on time.  This month it didn't happen like that and my reserve is already running low from moving and not going to school this year.  It's just a big struggle to get back on track to where I'm feeling comfortable with my life and my schedule.  Oh, the guilt.  This sucks and it doesn't help me get skinny.  

Here's the stress showing - the spice candies I don't like that much just went into my mouth.  Five of them.  Ugh.  Now I'm going to go rummage for something, and I don't know what yet.  Something.  I hate stressing about money because it leads to eating things I don't really want to eat.  If I ignore it, I will be back up in 5 minutes rummaging again.  Ridiculous.  

Boy, I hope I get to the fitness part of this blog soon because this really doesn't speak well for my progress on losing pounds at all. 

Food

I love food.  Obviously.  I love cooking it and creating flavors that just meld seamlessly.  Eating it is the reward for the work put into creating.  If something tastes good, my willpower to resist eating it all or eating too much goes out the window.

So how do I turn off my desire to eat delicious food and still say enough is enough?  It's not like suddenly I'm going to have willpower out of the blue.  I mean, if I had willpower like that I wouldn't be where I am now.  Fat.

What kills me is that when I was pregnant I got gestational diabetes and followed the diet to a T.  The nutritionist was really impressed that I switched over so easily.  Well, my son's life was in danger and I was having female issues because of the high blood sugar.  Of course I'd follow it.  As soon as my son was born, I grabbed the Oreos.  Not being able to eat sugar sucked.  Sugar free food is the Devil.  How anyone gets used to that nasty taste of 'fake' sugar...yuck.

So, I don't know.  Portion control is obviously an issue because I love how food tastes.  I don't just eat anything because it's here.  I wouldn't eat Ramen noodles if you paid me.  I also hate sugary cereals.  Most the food I have in my house is pretty healthy!  We do not eat white bread.  We don't drink whole milk.  We mostly eat chicken and limit red meat to ground beef sometimes.  The only yogurt I buy is Chobani greek yogurt (so good).  I don't really like sausage or pepperoni on pizza and it's something like Newman's or California Pizza kitchen.  We love fruit and veggies!  I try to avoid corn syrup and use natural peanut butter.

But then there's the snacks like salt & vinegar chips or reverse Oreos.  I can't keep ice cream in my house or it's gone.  My weakness is root beer floats.  I could possibly live on those and bacon, which is also not in my house.  The Goldfish crackers I eat by the handful are killing me.  I hate water.  God, I hate water.  Buying bottled water seems wasteful, but I won't drink tap water.  So we drink 100% juice, 1% milk, and the dread pop (soda) which isn't a staple here either.

You know, I'm pretty sure exercise would help too.  Just sayin'.

Not Ready but I Want

I don't know what's going on with me lately.  It's like I just don't care, or I have an excuse for putting everything off.  Maybe it's the shorter days or something, but I am not motivated.  Not with my clients, not with my home, not anything.  It's like depression, but I still feel happy just not motivated to do anything I should.  I find distractions like TV or the Internet or Xbox (loving Halo).  I don't know.  I do have a lot on my mind with money and the holidays coming up.  I have a feeling that's a big part of it, but it's still an excuse.  I bet exercise would reduct my stress...everything I read says it does. Ha!

I just want to look nice for the holidays.  I want to hear people ask me if I've been losing weight.  I want to be able to keep up with my kid when he runs ahead after school.  I want to wear cute clothes this summer.  I want to not feel HOT all the time!!!  I hate sweating.  Hate it.  You would think that alone would motivate me to lose.  Nope.  I want to feel good and not feel jiggly.

So I'm not sure where my happy groove of desire to work out went.  Or where my motivation went, period.  I just hope it's a blip on the radar right now.  I'm just grabbing sleep and food randomly when I have time right now.  So this isn't even going to be a very good weight loss blog at all until I snap the hell out of this funk.

Pizza & Soup

The election results are making me worried about what is going to happen in the future.  My son did not want to go to bed and was seriously stressing me out tonight.  I have tons of work sitting there waiting to be completed.  I"m going to be pulling another all-nighter to get it done.  I'm feeling stressed and I ate like crap.  I had two instant coffee drinks for breakfast, 2 frozen chicken nuggets, then a poptart for lunch at 3pm, random spice candies, too much California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizza that my son ate all the meat off first, another instant coffee to keep me up for work, and just now I ate a Campbells Chunky Italian wedding soup...and a bite-size Butterfinger.  I'm sure there will be more random candy to try to stay awake and it'll just make me sluggish and tired.  The nap I wanted to take earlier to help me stay up didn't happen.  The gym isn't going to happen for at least a couple weeks.  I'm just feeling a lot stressed out about my finances and my child right now.  I can tell in how I'm not even thinking about what I'm eating when I grab it.  Oh, and I did have about 20 grapes but also some puffed cheese things (not Cheetos ew).

I guess all I can do is have a better day tomorrow and not just give up.  Focus!  I need focus and commitment.

Back on the Wagon

Ok, I'm back and recommitted.  I'm joining a gym nearby and getting myself together.  I gained almost everything back I lost and I'm pissed.  I'm tired, I'm grumpy, and most of all my body just feels achy all over.  My job isn't exactly conducive to exercise, but now that the boy-child is in school 1/2 day, I have no reason not to work out.  I find that I do not work out at all when I come home.  My intention was to work out at home while he was in school.  I always have an excuse not to.  The gym is on the way and is priced reasonably.  It's not a place where people were hitting on each other, wasn't crowded at ALL, and all shapes and sizes were working out when I visited.

Weight tonight: 232.

Also, I will be updating all month as I joined NaBloPoMo and I'm looking for motivation anywhere I can get it as we go into the dark, winter months.