Back up the scale...

I'm having some really, really stressful weeks going on here.  Emotionally just a wreck and choosing not to fight it.  I'm eating to soothe my feelings.  Add some PMS on top of that and I'm a super salty-sweet scavenger here.  Pretty sure the bag of oreos and of tortilla chips sums that one up.

I'm up 7 pounds.  I'm pissed.  Pissed at myself for the junk I've eaten.

My son starts school in a couple weeks.  Five days a week, three hours a day.  Perfect for working out...alone!  Every. Single. Day. Alone!  I have a plan.  I will wear my workout clothes to drop him off.  I will go work out or walk or something during that time! 

I want to start dating....

I don't want to date as a 'big girl'.  I want to be happy inside first.  I WILL do this.

15 Pounds!!!

I just hit the 15 lbs lost goal!  Of course, my 4 year old has hidden my camera and we're going on day 3 of looking for it.  So no picture.  :-( 

This is the most I've lost consistently in forever.  I'm on a roll and I'm super excited.   That's half the weight of my kid I just lost. Hooray! 

Hormonal

I want to eat all the chocolate in the house and then eat everything salty I can find after that and wash it all down with chocolate milk!!!

My ex, my work, and my body are all conspiring against me the past few days to pull me in a spiral of eating and then feeling bad about it.  I'm beyond stressed and I can't sleep at all.  Insomnia for weeks.  So fun.  I gained 2 pounds and I don't even know if I want to try to blame it on bloating.  Sounds like a cop out to eat more chocolate at this point.

So I did eat a few mini chocolate bars and then a few tortilla chips.  I don't know why I don't have chocolate pretzels in my house in case of emergency! 

I'm just annoyed and tired and stressed out.  At some point, maybe I'll figure out that exercise will help even things out.  Bet I lose more than 2 pounds here and there too.  Meh, whatever.

Sweet

Even though it's probably not completely deserved The Fat Chick  listed me in her 'consistently consistent award' followers.  Thanks!  I guess I better be more motivated and post more often.  I sadly neglect my 'mommy blog' just as much as this one most days, so at least I'm consistent in neglecting both equally.  LOL

So I suppose I should update for real.

I've been eating garbage and got garbage back for it.  2+ pounds gained for eating chocolate bars and pizza and ice cream.  Blech.  And I feel like garbage after I eat that stuff too.  Not only that, but I binged on it for a few days and felt completely annoyed with myself for grabbing whatever I might have a taste for and just eating it.  Then when I realize it's NOT what I had a taste for, I get annoyed and start looking for something else to stop the gnawing desire for something...anything that will shut my brain up for a while.  Ironically, the last time I did this it was a nectarine that finally fulfilled that craving.  I ate two and they were delicious.  Ice cream is usually my weakness and I've decided not to bring it into my home anymore.  I'll stick to my Greek yogurt (Chobani all natural) since it's in a single serving cup and I won't gorge on it.

Also of note, my stress about my finances and changing my income stream is having an effect on what I eat.  If I keep processed, lazy-making food in my house I eat it first and then the good-for-me stuff goes bad...because it's fruit and veggies!  So while I do need easy, fast-to-make food in my house for days I need to work and work some more but my kid still needs to eat, I have to keep the bad-for-me frozen stuff out of my house.  I'm going to have to try a Sunday all day cook for the week type thing and then I'll be forced to eat the veggies and fruits for breakfast, snacks, and dinner.  I'm all about the easy so I'm going to try this and see if it helps cut out the nasty processed freezer section food from my home freezer.  Wish me luck in this because Sunday dishes will be insane with this plan & I hate me some dirty dishes.

In Jammies After Breakfast

Not sure why I didn't take this first thing in the morning before my shower, but whatever.  I'm claiming 225 and celebrating with a pedicure.

Weigh In with Current & Goal Pictures

Weigh in: I'm at 227!

Not much from the 228.6 but the consistent small loses mean a lot to me right now.  I feel like I'm actually making progress and some of the things I had hoped to do when I started thinking seriously about weight loss can now be continued and built upon.  Hopefully keeping the pictures on here will remind me of my journey so I don't loose motivation.  Since I love seeing other bloggers' photos of their progress, I'm hoping to do that for mine as well.  The photos from an old post are the start and the goal.

I wrote this on my family blog around my last birthday 9/2009 (edited for clarity):

I've always had issues with my weight. It goes up and down over time but I've never been as stressed over it like I am now. I used to love almost all of my body and how it looked. My calves and I have a love/hate relationship. Now, I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I weigh the same now as right before I gave birth. I added the baby weight back on rather than losing it. I only blame myself for letting it get out of hand, but now I'm going to be accountable for losing it rather than hiding it and being embarrassed about my size. The weight-loss ticker to the left is going to keep me accountable and honest about my progress. I already had to add pounds before I got to take pounds off.

I come from a line of heavy people on my paternal side, and know the health issues that come with it. I'm at risk for Type II diabetes, genetically and due to my gestational diabetes which vanished (thankfully) after Noah was born. I have terrible eating habits because I'm not disciplined and it's easier to snack at a computer than to stop and eat a meal. I work at home and my classes are online, so I sit in front of a computer for 15+ hours a day if not more. My son thinks my treadmill is an indoor jungle gym. Having had my gallbladder out makes things complicated as well.  The one thing I can say positive is that I quit smoking in 2006, which is never a negative even if it added pounds! 

The problem now is that my weight is causing me to change how I feel and act around people I know or just meet. I'm embarrassed to go see old friends who knew me when I was thinner. I constantly wonder if I'm dismissed as 'the fat chick'. I look in the mirror and I hate how round my face is and that double chin (omg I just said that out loud). My belly looks a mess with a yucky flap thing from carrying a kid. The only reason I don't really have serious wrinkles is that fat is less painful than botox for keeping them away. I don't feel good at all about any part of me. I have cute clothes in my current size (18/20), but I'm not happy at all about how I look in them.

My average weight is around 145-ish, but I was down to 125 (bad breakup) when I met my ex-husband.  I emotionally ate while I lived in AZ until I was 170 and thought that was the heaviest I'd get and had ever been. Then I got pregnant. I cried at 200, my 'max limit weight'. I got up to 235 but was at 208 after the baby. I haven't been under 200 since Noah was born. I'm ready to be back down to at least 150 max. I have a long way to go.

So this is my leap into better eating and then I'll try to add the exercise in slowly. I've failed before by trying to revamp my whole lifestyle and gave up when it was too much at once. Exercise is going to be the harder part of this whole thing. I am NOT a motivated person. I know what I should do, but putting it into action isn't my forte. So healthy eating first, and exercise once I've got a better diet down pat. Slow and steady is going to win this one.

Small changes I've made so far:

• Replacing ice cream with sugar free yogurt when I need something sweet. This seriously knocked my caloric/fat intake down a LOT! I love ice cream.
  
• Diet pop and sugar free flavored 'water'. I HATE plain water, hate it.
  
• Eat breakfast! Usually Greek yogurt, my new love, with something else. I don't get as hungry during the day when I have breakfast.
• Reducing meal portions by half and only eating a little when feel hungry. Just not overeating then feeling gross afterward.
  
• Pour any snacks into a very small bowl so I don't overeat. Small bowls and plates are my new friend.
  
• Realizing if I'm emotional/boredom eating or if I'm really hungry. (The hardest one to manage)

I've lost almost 5 pounds so far. I feel motivated. I know I can do this. I changed my diet almost overnight when I was gestating a child and our health was in jeopardy, and I've put those nutritional rules back in place. My health IS in jeopardy if I keep going this way! I do have to be careful because I don't have a gall bladder (past starvation dieting), and if I don't eat I end up with major gastric issues. This doesn't let me starve to lose the weight, which was always my go-to in the past to maintain things.

I am going to get back in my 'skinny-self' jeans. I won't be embarrassed to be in a swimsuit at the pool next year. I will have more energy to play with my child. I will be healthier to teach my child good eating habits. I won't hate my body anymore. So I'm putting it out there, and that ticker will be going down instead of up now that I know people will be watching! ;-)

Summer 2009 at almost 240:


Goal #1 at 165, can't find any for 145:

Smallest at 125-130 lbs:

Back on Track & in the 220's

So I took a loooong break from even trying to get fit or lose weight.  I suppose it was bad timing to try to start with the new year, as I was immediately put under a lot of stress with school and trying to find a new place to live.  Sometimes I just know when to claim defeat and start again when the timing is better.  I know myself well enough that if I had tried to put that on my already fully plate then I would've beat myself up every day for failing.  Instead, I put it on a temporary hold.  I just made sure I didn't gain but hovered at about 235 or so. 

So here I am, done with school for the summer, moved into my new place, and feeling really good about life.  I have space in my new home to exercise and my stress levels are at an all time low.  I don't find myself in the cupboards looking for solace or stress relief in my snacks anymore.  I am also more active now that some of the financial pressure on me has been lifted. 

So the time to start again is now! I've already begun to lose without having added regular exercise.  I just hit 229 (technically 228.6)!  Woo hoo!! Haven't seen that number in... 2 years. *happy dance*  The best thing about this journey is that even if you 'fail' for a while, you can keep starting over and over until you reach your goal.  Heck, I failed at quitting smoking over and over for many years but I finally did it over four years ago.  So I know I can do this!!

I'm going to see if starting the Couch to 5K program will be possible, but not sure if it's feasible without a treadmill and no sitter for the preschooler here at home.  A gym is too pricey right now & when the boy starts school in September I'll have 3 hours to work out every day.  I guess for now there's always cable On Demand exercise shows or my Jillian 30-Day Shred DVD I put somewhere...

I feel good, and I feel motivated!