NaBloPoMo NoMo

Done.  Just done writing every day about my failure to eat right and exercise.  I'm so beyond stressed out right now with the holidays coming and money super tight.  I just need a break for a minute and this is one less guilt trip for me to worry about.  Seriously, I put a cookie in my mouth and thought about how that's going to make for more crappy blog fodder tonight.  So I don't know if I feel like writing tomorrow I will, and if not well whatever.  I'm tired and worn down from being a single mom with a strong-willed child who will not go to bed and just wears me down until I'm just so done.  I'm not going up or down either way so maybe when I can afford that stupid gym membership or get motivated to move around in front of my television to videos, then maybe I'll feel better about writing about the progress I'm making.  As of now, this is not helping me feel better at all.  That's not what I need right now.

Sick

Oh the fun of sinus congestion and feeling bad all over.  I've had more chicken soup, tea, and orange juice than should be humanly allowed.  The poptart I ate was dry and scratchy and tasted like dirt - sugary dirt.  Yuck.  Milk was a really bad choice this morning and just made me a way more congested, and I knew better so that's worse.  I suppose this is a good thing?  The taste of my normal foods are just off and I don't want to eat anything since it tastes weird.  It may even just be allergies but I doubt it.  I can guarantee I won't be trying to do any aerobic activities while I can't breathe through two nostrils at the same time.  I just feel so yuck right now.

I'm just waiting for my son to get this too.  He just got over a cold and it's never fun when he's congested.  That truly stresses me out and trying to get him to eat stresses me out even more.  The only easy part of that is that I can finally keep up with him because he doesn't want to do anything.  I know he's better when he's back to his Tigger-like bouncy self.  That's usually when I end up eating what he leaves on his plate because it's basically not touched.  I don't eat mine and then his, I usually just eat his plate because I know he won't.

I really need to figure this all out.  This might just be the most boring non-weight loss blog ever.  There's no weight loss or exercise to be seen around here.  Just me thinking about it and wishing it would happen. You know, I'm in a terrible mood today and sick of myself.  On that note...g'nite.

Aches and Pains

My body hurts in all kinds of places.  I know some of it is from the extra weight I'm carrying around on my body.  My hips hurt mostly.  That's partly because of this God awful couch I bought online that is like lounging on a rock.  If I were a lizard sunning myself it would be great. I'm not.  I'm sure the 80 or so pounds I need to lose aren't helping when all the pressure is placed on my hip when I 'relax' on my couch.  I really just need to sell it and get a new one.  My knees hurt too.  Usually when I'm down on the floor playing with my son and I have to get up.  Things usually pop and crack when I get up.  That can't be good for me.  I had knee problems as a teenager and I really would like to avoid them now.  My feet hurt if I stand for too long.  They hurt if I walk at the zoo all day with my son.  They don't fit in my cute shoes right.  I hate it.  I thought my cute shoes were the one thing I would always have.  I mean, the whole knee-high boot thing is a nightmare for me anyway.  I come from thick-calved genetics and even on my thinnest days they don't fit me.

I think the worst pain is the pain of not being happy with how I look right now.  Every day I wonder how the hell I got here.  Okay, I know how - stress, baby, divorce, unemployment, homelessness, etc, etc.  Now how do I get out of it?  Where do I find my motivation when I feel defeated before I start?  I know all the things I need to do to make it happen.  I know and I just don't know where to find my motivation.  I know if I started exercising regularly the pounds would start dropping off and that would be motivation enough.  Now if only I didn't get itchy after I start sweating that might help too.  Who wants to sweat and then itch?!  Like working out isn't pain enough.  I guess I'll have to figure it all out.  Soon.

Oatmeal

Today I realized if I start my day with oatmeal, I don't have the urge to snack or just wander in search of something to eat.  It actually keeps me full until lunch and I like oatmeal.  Okay, so it's not the plain kind...yet.  And I probably ingested too many calories, carbs, sugar, etc. but it's good to know and I can switch to plain with my own fruit once I'm out of my blah slump.  I'm feeling better.  I don't know what it is when fall ends and right before Daylight Savings I get all out of sorts and yuck.  I'm not going to blame it on PMS because that's not like a month long issue.  Not for me anyway.  So I had greek yogurt and homemade chili with veggies in it.  I have always put in frozen mixed veggies, even though this time it felt like I was ruining it, but I like them and it's better for me.  Now as far as portion control, I could probably have had smaller portions and no cheese.  I didn't use sour cream at all this time.  It's these little changes I need to document so I just don't feel like I'm completely failing and just not making any effort at all.  Thank God the Halloween candy is all gone.  We didn't have that much in my house, so that was a plus.  But I did have KFC chicken and then homemade pizza Saturday while I visited family.  So my battle is just maybe trying to work on portion control in small ways.  I really, really know I need to add exercise.  I'm not mentally there yet.  I'll have to blog those out tomorrow.

Wordless Weekend Goal

Wordless Weekend

My Hope

My hope this month is that by writing about my struggles to even get motivated to get fit will lead to some changes.  I really feel silly writing that I didn't work out or didn't eat wonderfully again today.  I wonder if I can write that everyday and still call this a weight loss blog?  I've never gained this much weight before so this is all new territory.  I've always been able to starve it off on Mt. Dew and Goldfish crackers.  Having my son and having my gall bladder out really put a wrench in that unhealthy weight loss program I had going on.  Now, with the lack of a gall bladder, if I don't want to have some serious intestinal issues, I have to eat something.  If I wait until lunch I'm screwed.  

So this weekend I'm going to see family, my son is going to burn off more calories than he takes in, and I'm going to take in more than I burn off.  Somehow I'm going to get some walking in there somewhere.  It's getting cold and I really, really wish I could afford the gym right now.  Since I'm self-employed, I hope and pray my contracts pay me on time.  This month it didn't happen like that and my reserve is already running low from moving and not going to school this year.  It's just a big struggle to get back on track to where I'm feeling comfortable with my life and my schedule.  Oh, the guilt.  This sucks and it doesn't help me get skinny.  

Here's the stress showing - the spice candies I don't like that much just went into my mouth.  Five of them.  Ugh.  Now I'm going to go rummage for something, and I don't know what yet.  Something.  I hate stressing about money because it leads to eating things I don't really want to eat.  If I ignore it, I will be back up in 5 minutes rummaging again.  Ridiculous.  

Boy, I hope I get to the fitness part of this blog soon because this really doesn't speak well for my progress on losing pounds at all. 

Food

I love food.  Obviously.  I love cooking it and creating flavors that just meld seamlessly.  Eating it is the reward for the work put into creating.  If something tastes good, my willpower to resist eating it all or eating too much goes out the window.

So how do I turn off my desire to eat delicious food and still say enough is enough?  It's not like suddenly I'm going to have willpower out of the blue.  I mean, if I had willpower like that I wouldn't be where I am now.  Fat.

What kills me is that when I was pregnant I got gestational diabetes and followed the diet to a T.  The nutritionist was really impressed that I switched over so easily.  Well, my son's life was in danger and I was having female issues because of the high blood sugar.  Of course I'd follow it.  As soon as my son was born, I grabbed the Oreos.  Not being able to eat sugar sucked.  Sugar free food is the Devil.  How anyone gets used to that nasty taste of 'fake' sugar...yuck.

So, I don't know.  Portion control is obviously an issue because I love how food tastes.  I don't just eat anything because it's here.  I wouldn't eat Ramen noodles if you paid me.  I also hate sugary cereals.  Most the food I have in my house is pretty healthy!  We do not eat white bread.  We don't drink whole milk.  We mostly eat chicken and limit red meat to ground beef sometimes.  The only yogurt I buy is Chobani greek yogurt (so good).  I don't really like sausage or pepperoni on pizza and it's something like Newman's or California Pizza kitchen.  We love fruit and veggies!  I try to avoid corn syrup and use natural peanut butter.

But then there's the snacks like salt & vinegar chips or reverse Oreos.  I can't keep ice cream in my house or it's gone.  My weakness is root beer floats.  I could possibly live on those and bacon, which is also not in my house.  The Goldfish crackers I eat by the handful are killing me.  I hate water.  God, I hate water.  Buying bottled water seems wasteful, but I won't drink tap water.  So we drink 100% juice, 1% milk, and the dread pop (soda) which isn't a staple here either.

You know, I'm pretty sure exercise would help too.  Just sayin'.

Not Ready but I Want

I don't know what's going on with me lately.  It's like I just don't care, or I have an excuse for putting everything off.  Maybe it's the shorter days or something, but I am not motivated.  Not with my clients, not with my home, not anything.  It's like depression, but I still feel happy just not motivated to do anything I should.  I find distractions like TV or the Internet or Xbox (loving Halo).  I don't know.  I do have a lot on my mind with money and the holidays coming up.  I have a feeling that's a big part of it, but it's still an excuse.  I bet exercise would reduct my stress...everything I read says it does. Ha!

I just want to look nice for the holidays.  I want to hear people ask me if I've been losing weight.  I want to be able to keep up with my kid when he runs ahead after school.  I want to wear cute clothes this summer.  I want to not feel HOT all the time!!!  I hate sweating.  Hate it.  You would think that alone would motivate me to lose.  Nope.  I want to feel good and not feel jiggly.

So I'm not sure where my happy groove of desire to work out went.  Or where my motivation went, period.  I just hope it's a blip on the radar right now.  I'm just grabbing sleep and food randomly when I have time right now.  So this isn't even going to be a very good weight loss blog at all until I snap the hell out of this funk.

Pizza & Soup

The election results are making me worried about what is going to happen in the future.  My son did not want to go to bed and was seriously stressing me out tonight.  I have tons of work sitting there waiting to be completed.  I"m going to be pulling another all-nighter to get it done.  I'm feeling stressed and I ate like crap.  I had two instant coffee drinks for breakfast, 2 frozen chicken nuggets, then a poptart for lunch at 3pm, random spice candies, too much California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizza that my son ate all the meat off first, another instant coffee to keep me up for work, and just now I ate a Campbells Chunky Italian wedding soup...and a bite-size Butterfinger.  I'm sure there will be more random candy to try to stay awake and it'll just make me sluggish and tired.  The nap I wanted to take earlier to help me stay up didn't happen.  The gym isn't going to happen for at least a couple weeks.  I'm just feeling a lot stressed out about my finances and my child right now.  I can tell in how I'm not even thinking about what I'm eating when I grab it.  Oh, and I did have about 20 grapes but also some puffed cheese things (not Cheetos ew).

I guess all I can do is have a better day tomorrow and not just give up.  Focus!  I need focus and commitment.

Back on the Wagon

Ok, I'm back and recommitted.  I'm joining a gym nearby and getting myself together.  I gained almost everything back I lost and I'm pissed.  I'm tired, I'm grumpy, and most of all my body just feels achy all over.  My job isn't exactly conducive to exercise, but now that the boy-child is in school 1/2 day, I have no reason not to work out.  I find that I do not work out at all when I come home.  My intention was to work out at home while he was in school.  I always have an excuse not to.  The gym is on the way and is priced reasonably.  It's not a place where people were hitting on each other, wasn't crowded at ALL, and all shapes and sizes were working out when I visited.

Weight tonight: 232.

Also, I will be updating all month as I joined NaBloPoMo and I'm looking for motivation anywhere I can get it as we go into the dark, winter months.